Not so swift justice

School has certainly changed.  When I graced the hallowed halls of Wagga South Primary school, pupil discipline was dealt swiftly with a four foot cane and an eager smile.  When the offense did not qualify for corporal punishment, teachers would gleefully pummel you with chalk and sentence you to hours of picking up grotty kid rubbish.  Oh how we yearn for those wonderful times.
Today kids get zoned, carded and placed on a behavioural continuum which will become a source of either praise or admonishment.  A typical day for one of our prep twins will do your head in.  Me to wife " How did Eli go today?" Reply "Well he started in the green but by morning tea was orange, then got a red card at lunch but the end of the day was in the blue zone".  To this I nod blankly and try to ascertain from my wifes' face whether this report makes me happy or sad.  Generally the correct answer is sad, in which case I am expected to speak to my 5 year old about his actions.  Now Eli gets more red cards than Kevin Muscat, so I find myself having a familiar conversation about how he did "nothing at all".  Oh the injustice!  Every day at lunch Eli is misrepresented and unfairly chastised apparently.  While I listen to his story I find solace in the fact that he is not quite at the bottom of the class thermometer, or the "parenting gauge" as I call it, which means at least a few parents have kids worse than me.  Or more misunderstood?  Who would know.  Now, where is that cane?   

Crossing the streams is bad

My boys love to pee outside.  An odd opening sentence I'll admit, but truthful.  They're like a bunch of ethusiastic irrigators, dutifully soaking all areas of the backyard, often simultaneously in some kind of synchronised pattern.  Sometimes they'll hose down some object like a pile of grass or tree.  Its bizarre, and sometimes embarrassing, like the time Jasper relieved himself in front of a jumping castle with a 100 strong audience.  Oddly there was no applause :).
But the hijinks aren't restricted to outside.  Often taking a pee at my house will draw a small gathering of like minded individuals.  Like demented Ghostbusters they cross the streams and terrorise the walls.   At least when they claim to want to be firemen I'll know they've got experience...     

Queenslander! NSW are useless!

Its tough being a NSW Origin supporter in Queensland, but not in the way that you might think.  Ardent NSW fans don't mind being in the minority.  We don't mind our team being outplayed on most occasions.  We don't even resent being reminded of QLD's dominance over the last 5 years.  What we find difficult is the complete lack of sensible discussion of origin football.  In my search I perused the Courier Mail, a newspaper that dedicates more page space to Botox than Australian politics, in the unlikely event some intelligent comment might be uncovered.  Alas, my instinct proved correct and I waded through countless fanboy cries and vague rhetoric.  Apparently insightful analysis in the Courier Mail requires only the abundant use of the words "class", "dominant" and "whitewash", and the complete ignorance of the achievements of the vanquished.  If I wanted to hear that rubbish I could just walk into the closest pub.
Is it so hard to discuss this objectively?  What was it that set one team above the other.  Who outplayed who and why?  Even during the game you only get the occasional enlightening comment from the TV commentators.  Seems the only place to hear real discussion is on ABC Grandstand radio.  If you haven't listened to these guys dissect the football you've done yourself a great injustice.  You'll never read the Courier Mail again! 
But before you all roll your eyes I'll say well done QLD, a well deserved win.  I don't feel NSW are as far off as they looked in Game 1, and if you wish to discuss this intelligently with me further I'm all ears!

Sunny side up

People are predictable.  When you get to know someone it becomes increasingly easy to forsee how they will react to a given situation.  Now I'm in no way referring to those ridiculous personality boxes people seem so fond of, but rather those quirks of a persons' nature that are an irrepressible force.  For example have you ever met a person who loves bold and exciting ideas, but rarely thinks through the practicalities?  I did once, and then I married her.
So while I expertly nodded my mock excitment over her new passion for incubating my parents chicken's eggs my uneasiness grew.  Visions of me constructing incubators, brooding and outdoor pens ran riot.  The unsavoury thought of 6 or 7 slowly rotting eggs sitting on our kitchen bench was impossible to dispel.  Even if these unlucky volunteers survived the trivial matter of gestation their greatest challenge awaited: our 4 kids and their liking for using small animals as stress balls.
With this in mind resisted the idea, offering all the sensible and rational reasons why this fell into the "Bad Idea" basket.  Of course this reasoning was ignored and with my stocks rapidly falling I relented.
At this point I must admit that the process was engrossing, and we have learnt alot.  From four fertile eggs one made it while the others sadly were dead in their shells.  This warrior has been name "Chirpy" by the kids, mainly because being alone the blighter never shuts up.
In signing off I must admit regret at my initial resistance to bringing the eggs home.  Have you ever met one of those people who never try anything because they think of all the practical things that can go wrong?  My wife has!   

I know Kung Fu.

After viewing Kung Fu Panda again I have formed the opinion that all parents need Kung Fu.  My first reason is self defense as parents are more vulnerable than any other demographic.  Who else faces headbutts to the groin, flying bowls, swinging sticks and intense psycological abuse on a daily basis?  Kids are a workplace health and safety nightmare.  Kung Fu provides not only the ability to protect ones soft bits but generate calm when surrounded by chaos.
My second reason came to me whilst observing my children re-enact the Kung Fu Panda movie in the confines of the lounge room.  As fists and feet flew I contemplated possessing that awesome ability where the Master incapacitates people with a few deft touches to pressure points.  Could you imagine it?  My kids would probably spend most of their childhood as statues, but at least I could remain sane.

Twilight

When Harry Potter madness infected the world I foolishly resisted.  What sane adult would read a children's book about a wizard school?  Inevitably, curiosity led me to read "The Philosphers Stone".  From there my desire for a good book drove me to read the rest of the series.  J K Rowling is a superb writer and for the most part I enjoyed the series greatly.
Imagine then my interest when Twilight began to tread the path that Harry Potter had forged.  A series of books rabidly consumed by teenagers, followed by incredibly hyped movies.  My curiosity was again stirred; my wife and I borrowed the entire series and read it together. 
Unfortunately Meyer is no Rowlings.  I'll admit the premise of twilight is intriguing, and the storytelling aspect of her writing is competent if not enthralling.  But in the words of that great man Stephen King, she can't write a darn.  Her sentence structure is monotonous.  Her descriptions are workmanlike and unimaginative.  She repeats herself.  I felt like I was trapped in a Kevin Rudd press conference.
Technical snobbery aside there is more to dislike in Twilight.  The central characters appear to be drawn directly from the DSM-IV.  Bella Swan is grotesquely self absorbed while Edward pathologically tortures himself.  I still don't know why they like each other, although she does seem to have a fascination with marble.  In the "Most annoying character in the world race" these two are even odds winners.  While Jacob is more likeable Meyer rarely treats him fairly, lumping him with the rest of the Twilight characters who are obviously only there to revolve around planet Bella.
The popularity of this book scares me.  What does it mean when most of the teenage female population identify with Bella Swan?  Perhaps a generation of depressed checkout chicks await us.  

Hey I'm not Denis Leary

Girls have an opinion on everything.  The female mind does not appreciate the concept of reserving judgement, and while colouring the facts is undoubtedly fun its not always helpful.  Have you ever had that conversation where the condition of public toilets, specifically the male version, gets roundly hated on?  A female in the group, who while not revealing why she was in the male toilet, expresses her disgust at the appalling conditions witnessed and looks at you like you defiled it personally.   Perversely what usually follows is the males uproariously defending their aiming ability while the other females shake their heads distrustfully.  Now I may have frequented a few public toilets in desperate times but its highly unlikely I am wholly responsible for their state of ugliness.  Infact I have been in a few female loo's, for valid and defendable reasons, that have been far from sanitary.  I don't think the state of ladies toilets is exactly a beacon of female pride, and hardly a point to attack the males on.  Its a public toilet for goodness sake.  Its a communal area for people to relieve themselves, not something you can put in a glossy brochure.  Which begs the question of why girls go together.  Do they need company?  You don't see blokes rushing to stand at the urinal together.  One possible reason is that while waiting they clean up and throw the mess in the boys toilet.  That would explain perhaps why so many of them are experts on the inside of ours!